An Honest Review Of: Assventure Time - The XXX Parody (WoodRocket)

Still here? Okay, now that we mercifully covered most of my cringiest "father figure/dumb husband" roles (most, not all. There's still a few aces up my sleeve), it's now time to shift gears and take a closer look at something a little more lighthearted. A little more fun. A little more, dare I say it, animated? 

If you know anything about what WoodRocket does, you'd know that we like to push the boundaries of weirdness, and often times that includes delving into the wacky world of cartoons. Now, I admit, I've never really watched Adventure Time. I certainly didn't prior to when we shot this parody and even though I own the entire series on DVD (still in its original shrinkwrap, is that worth anything? Can I sell it on eBay and retire? Please let me know), I still couldn't tell you a thing about it. At the time, all I knew was that my role consisted of me playing another bearded nutcase, and, like with The Knobbit, my real beard wasn't anything close to big and bushy enough. So, BRING ON THE FAKE BEARD ONCE AGAIN!

Not only did the role require a giant piece of fake hair to be attached to my face, but it was also one of the MANY that required me to be completely painted. Either that or just heavily spraying my beard a different color. No matter which, it always seemed like a good idea before the fact; getting to look memorable and outrageous, so by the third time I really had no one to blame but myself in reference to knowing how miserable the process of removal was. It's like making a bad relationship decision, you know it's going to end in spectacular fashion, but you just can't stop yourself. Anyways, the process sucks and usually about halfway through I give up, which wouldn't be so bad if we didn't normally go out for an aftershoot celebratory dinner or just tiki drinks. The stares I got. I knew why they were gawking, and they knew I knew. I've also had several pieces of clothing ruined, but, as usual, it's the price to pay for the craft.

For something as off-the-wall as Adventure Time, the redeemable factor was that for the first time I wasn't the weirdest character nor was I the only one spray-painted to the gills. In fact, of the cast of five including myself, only one, Michael Vegas, had the luxury of remaining their true color. The other three, Kassondra Raine, Ela Darling, and April O'Neil all had the pain and misfortune of joining me on the special effects rainbow, each enduring their own additional misery to boot. Kassondra had the luxury of having to wear a latex mask in addition to the paint, while the other two had to have their entire bodies done up as well on account of them doin' it later. April even had to wear fake vampire teeth, which, she'd be the first to admit, were awful, so props to her for that. But, this blog isn't about the trials and tribulations of adult performers; it's about paying tribute to me and MY hardships. MINE!

So, without further ado, let's do this.

Assventure Time - A XXX Parody (WoodRocket) - March 21, 2016

If you've watched the show, and you know anything about me, you already know I was born to play the Ice King (or, in this case, The Ice Peen. Heh Heh. Get it? Porn). The scene immediately opens with me in all my glory, in my, I guess, Ice Castle? Fortress Of Solitude? I don't know, but I'm complaining about how people were posting rude comments about me on my "Icetagram". Someone said I look like an Old Blue Penis (admittedly true) while someone else said that my crown looks like a cock ring (Also admittedly true, and did I mention I was also wearing a crown?). The "IC" picture I had up was of me just standing there, tweeking my own nipples for some reason. I think I used it for my real Tinder profile for a minute. Regardless, I proceed to make a bunch of bad "ice" puns like I was Arnold in Batman & Robin, before doing my absolute best cackling laugh. Seriously, I don't think I've ever even attempted something so out of character for me. I continue to laugh for an ungodly long time before making another "cold" comment. Classic Ice Peen. 

The scene cuts to all the other weird characters doing a bunch of stuff that's not relevant to me so PREPARE TO FAST FORWARD. I do know there's a dog and a talking dildo. The story, from what I gather, is it's Sinn's 18th birthday (naturally) and Princess Bubblecum and Whoreceline are on the cusp of giving him his present (Take a wild guess). Like King Cockblocker, I show up out of nowhere, in a fit of rage, still irked about the (very accurate) comments they left. I'm super angry until I realize they were throwing a party and I wasn't invited. Story of my life. And, like jerks, they continue to make it abundantly clear that I wasn't invited on purpose and I make a comment about how when I'm sad I do cross-fit, which, just to be clear, I've never done in my life. Not important, so they continue to insult me, but to my face now. Comments like how I smell like freezer-burn fishsticks, which is pretty damn creative. They then all agree to kick me out and I take it like a chump while making a hella insensitive comment about how everyone needs to chill out and not overreact like I brought a homemade clock in a briefcase to school (remember that story? Pepperidge Farm Remembers). I cackle again, swear more revenge, take a weird dip or bow before prancing out of there. I don't know if it was ad-libbed or planned but it is what it is. Cue my exit. 

Aaand then they bang. 

Brilliant stuff. the creators of the show would have been proud. I'm not seen again, but my guess is they all felt bad afterward and stopped over to throw another party. An Ice Peen can dream, can't he?

How Did I Do? So the one thing I neglected to mention was the insanely whiny, nasally voice I used. I channeled my inner Rich Little (Too old? Ok, Jim Carrey) and put in the work and did the research because, as I've mentioned before I am a PROFESSIONAL. If anything, I may have gone too hammy, creating a mix between the OG Ice King and Chief Clancy Wiggum. Looking back now, I don't think I ever even heard the Ice King cackle, so that's definitely a twist I added on my own. But, how do you bring to life an animated character? That's a question all master thespians ask themselves. You don't have the luxury of animation to make your character lively, so all you have is your tone and voice. You create exaggerations that cannot be mimicked from cartoons. Look at me, with the deeper understanding of acting and all. It sounds like bullshit to me. Maybe I just thought it would be funny.  

Voice aside, as far as I'm concerned, I thought this was a solid performance. Instead of being a cuckolded husband, I was a cuckolded... uh... I don't really know what my relationship to them is. Either way, they duped me and humiliated me and the sheer fact I didn't break down and cry was enough to win me at least a VH1 award. I learned a lot about myself and my range and the proper way to play cartoon characters. 

Wanna watch this awesome scene? Go check it out at Woodrocket.com. There's even a behind-the-scenes option that has even MORE Ice Peen hilarity. It's like a non-stop roller coaster of fun!