An Honest Review Of: The Puppet Inside Me

Whoops.

Ok, I admit it, I keep forgetting to update this blog. My plan was always to keep this thing going on a weekly basis, but then the weather got nicer, bars more opener, time less available... you know how it goes. I ain't apologizing for life getting in the way so don't expect me to. Anyways, in the last blog I started delving into the more absurd roles I've played (hint: I've played about 30 different animated characters), so it seems logical to keep that trend of weirdness going. I mean let's be honest, nothing's weirder than playing dads hanging out with their naked daughters post-coitus with a rock star, right? RIGHT? Back me up on this one, please. It's my therapy. TELL ME I'M NOT DISTURBING!!!

When WoodRocket decided to do The Puppet Inside Me, it was more or less done in the hopes of playing off the momentum from the Happytime Murders, which, in case you blinked and missed it in the theatres, was a raunchy puppet movie starring Melissa McCartney. If you saw the trailers, you'd be all "this movie looks friggin hilarious!" but then if you saw the movie, you'd be all "this movie sucks!". It's true. I wanted to like it, but I just couldn't, and this coming from someone that enjoyed Weekend At Bernies II (it really wasn't that bad). Not important, the plan was to release this to coincide with that release, but then when the early reviews started coming out, needless to say, it changed our trajectory pretty quickly. The reviews were AWFUL. A complete disaster and we wanted nothing to do with that taste. So we took our sweet time and ended up releasing our puppet masterpiece a few weeks after, once people had moved on.

If you ask anyone in the crew or cast, it was the right move. We took our time and made something that's honestly probably the funniest thing we've ever done. It's absolutely ridiculous in a good way and I'm thrilled I got to be in front of the camera for this one, not just as me, Seth's Beard the human, but also as Seth's Beard the puppet (I'll explain shortly). It was straight slapstick comedy complete with a talking "Casting Couch", a comically oversized bottle of lube, a puppet exploding in the throes of passion, Tera Patrick, and an MFP threesome (I'm sure you can figure it out). 

The actual sex scene ended up winning the AVN for most Outrageous Sex Scene, and, as you can imagine, everyone involved was pretty stoked about that. It should have won for greatest scene of all time, but I don't get a vote so fuck it.

The Puppet Inside Me (WoodRocket) - September 16, 2018

Before going any further, I think it's important to note that we shot this as much like a mockumentary (or, aptly, a cockumentary) as we did a normal parody. There's unsurprisingly a lot to unfold in the 36 minutes of Puppet Porn, so I'll give a very short, IMDB-worthy summary: Girl puppet watches another puppet explode during the scene, and while she's suffering from PTSD, eventually she's ready to get back on the horse. She has sex with Tommy Pistol and Charlotte Sartre in a puppet porn parody my character produces by pooling together what was left of my vast fortune. I believe this was one of the stories in the Bible, no? 

The scene starts with a "nurse" (played by Veronica Chaos) servicing a puppet with a 70s mustache. We're talking full penetration with puppet peen. Kudos to Veronica for that. Anyways, that puppet explodes. Fast-forward 69 days later and, look, it's me! I played Alfred Feltcock (hey, I Just got it!) and I'm sitting there at my desk, looking dapper in a porn producer's suit. I confess (in the scene), somberly, that things hadn't been so good around the Feltcock Studios since the disaster. On the bright side, we did win a "Fuzzynut" for most explosive sex scene that day (I suppose it's like most outrageous sex scene, which we DID actually win in real life). I admit that we lost a good friend that day, and, what's worse, the family sued me for everything, leaving me with just enough to make one final puppet porn parody. Who knew puppets even had families? Is that racist? Anyways, I go on about how it's going to be the biggest, craziest, wildest, more expensive parody ever, and of course it can only be Fabric Boner's Day Off. I continue rambling about how epic it's going to be and, pulling out my hilariously enormous... calculator and pushing random buttons for about a minute, declare that it's going to cost $703.69 because of course it will.

The next part is a little inside, social commentary about the real workings of the adult world behind the scenes. Tommy arrives and gives a little talking head interview about the realities of the taboo of working with puppets (much the same way there's a giant stigma about males doing crossover work which is essentially working on the gay and the straight side, but that's a whole other ordeal). Some more interviews and more jokes with puppets, Tera Patrick on a couch and, hey, it's me again! I'm back giving a bit of a history lesson on the world of puppet porn. I mention how Debbie Does Dollhouse was the first puppet porn ever made and how it changed my world, inspiring me to become the producer of such future classics as The Big Sock and Hand Solo. I get really deep for a moment before disclosing my own personal backstory. My mother was a puppet and my father was a human handyman and I continue explaining how they ended up getting together (I don't want to give up all the jokes), before eventually revealing that I'm half-man half-puppet and that I'm 100% cotton from the waist down. That's followed by a reveal of my scrawny, kermit-like puppet legs crossed on top of my desk. 

Fucking classic. And that's also pretty much the end of me save for one last brief moment where Tommy is sitting in a car, bawling his eyes out. Myself and two other 100% puppets are there filming away on our phones and eating popcorn.

A few more jokes and, yep, you got it. They bang.

By far one of the weirdest sex scenes I've ever witnessed live and in the flesh, and more than worthy of the award it won. Tommy and Charlotte Sartre were absolutely god-like in making this a real threesome, taking turns controlling the puppet until Tommy blows his wad over both of their faces. That poor crusty doll. That poor PA that had to clean off that poor crusty doll. It may have been me. There are no egos at WoodRocket. 

How Did I Do?

Again, I'm probably biased against my own performances, but in my opinion, I shined like the North Star here. I was supposed to be the snarky, typical old-school porn producer guy who only cared about one thing - money. I tried to model myself after Maxxx Orbison from Orgazmo because he just oozed sleaze. I showed my true colors in how I disclosed the frustrations not of losing a friend, but of being sued by their family. What a mensch. I also do a great job playing up how epic my "piece de resistance" is going to be, ad-libbing a whole slew of incoherent phrases complete with a bunch of made-up-on-the-spot words. I effectively play it up beautifully only to disclose the title of what could only be described as an underwhelming parody choice.

But I really shined when I opened up about my personal history both in life and in the puppet porn world. It was the perfect mix of sincerity and humor and the reveal at the end was just perfect.I feel like this was a role I was born to play. To have so many lines and not give away the Shamalyan twist that I was half puppet, THAT'S quality acting (oh, I guess the editing was good too). 

I think every cast member involved in this one deserves a shoutout. Charlotte, Tommy, Vuko, Veronica... this was the kind of parody that you have to truly get the humor of to nail your role - no easy feat in the adult world where everyone thinks they're a master thespian (myself included).

But with that being said, my egotistical ass says I outshined all of them. I mean no one else had to get into the mindset of a human and a puppet and that kind of dedication usually takes years to truly understand - something I managed to do in a week. I'm like Macauley Culkin except not so weird looking. 

The good news is you can watch this masterpiece on WoodRocket FOR FREE, because that's what we do. I know I like to pimp out my scenes like they're the greatest performances known to man (I should have been a strip club DJ), but this one really is worth your viewing experience.