An Honest Review Of: The Knobbit XXX

My name is Seth and for the past decade I've appeared in a whole slew of adult scenes. Never naked, mind you, I've filled the screen as everything from a doctor to a chicken, a zombie to George Lucas. I'd like to consider myself the Sir Laurence Olivier of smut although I highly doubt anyone else would. Anyways, I'm gonna review and critique my own scenes as painfully and honestly as I can. Why? Because someone's gotta do it!

The Knobbit XXX (Woodrocket) - April 18, 2014

When WoodRocket decided to parody The Hobbit, I was pretty much a no-brainer for the role of "Glandolf" mostly because I worked there, I'm in basically every Woodrocket parody that requires extras and I have a beard. Granted, my beard, an integral part of the Wizard look, wasn't nearly as grandiose as what it needed to be making that last point sort of moot. So they slapped a big ol' white beard on me along with an equally long white wig. I was then adorned by the most standard-looking wizard costume available, topped off by a wizard "staff", which was secretly just half of a fancy curtain rod we had (It's not always about the most authentic, but what's most resourceful). As far as I'm concerned we absolutely nailed it. I was the most wizardly wizard that ever existed, at least in the world of pornography.

Channeling my inner Ian McKellen, I'll be completely honest. I thought I did an absolutely bang-up job mixing in just the right amount of a bad English accent with the smugness and arrogance that Sir Ian famously brought to his Gandolf character. Upon reviewing, I did notice that as the scene progressed the bad English accent slowly disappeared and replaced with what I can only describe as a bad rip-off of Ian's occasional gruff cries in fear and panic. I remember being particularly enthusiastic about screaming out the line "run, you fool!" (which, at the time sounded spot fucking on in my head). Even today, If I close my eyes I swear it sounds like I'm there in the world of Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom instead of the one with Anthony Rosano (Who nailed the role of the Knobbit). And, naturally, I'm sure I'm alone in this sentiment. 

The plot of the story was as followed, I was out and about looking for someone interested in going on an adventure. After coaxing my tiny friend, (who apparently didn't remember me from all the lurid sex parties in the Shire) with tales of seduction and temptation (which may have also involved me getting myself all horned-up leading me to dry hump my curtain rod), we proceeded to gleefully stroll hand and hand through the "woods" before abruptly stopping thanks to my character sensing the presence of an old... flame.  We then heard a horrible growl which prompted me to do what any self-respecting wizard would do when in the presence of an ex... haul ass, complete with my "run you fool" catchphrase. I must have practiced that line at least a hundred times leading up to filming. 

Aaaaaand scene. For me anyways. Other people have sex. Boooooring.

How did I do? All things considered I'm quite proud of this role. It was a struggle simply because the damned mustache portion of the fake beard kept slipping into my mouth as I would recite my lines. Still, I didn't let that hindrance prevent me from delivering as flawlessly as possible. Like the character I was adequately emulating, I was a warrior. A magical, line-remembering, hand-holding warrior. Even while uttering words like "moist" and "supple" as I gyrated against thin air, I could still taste the bone-dry fake hair trying to take refuge in my mouth and it was gross. But still, I powered through because that's what a professional does. I'm particularly proud of my and Rosano's fake prancing through the green-screened woods even though we both weren't allowed to actually move our feet. I tried my best to make it as uncomfortable and awkward for the both of us as possible, and Rosano, to his credit, played along.

Was it the best Ian McKellen impersonation ever done? Probably. Was it the best impression I've ever done? That's not really for me to say, but I will admit it certainly wasn't the worst, and sometimes being mediocre is pretty damned effective. If you wanna see it, go check it out on Woodrocket.com!