An Honest Review Of: Riding Stick Shift (Brazzers)

    When this scene was released in February of 2013, I was the ripe ol' age of 35 and a half and about three years into my, what's now approaching ten years in the business. What does that matter? Well, this particular scene was a milestone for me, a very very somber milestone. A scene that, despite having already conquered a variety of different roles spanning a multitude of ranges, involved a first. I've played the husband several times, particularly a very sexually inadequate husband (A role that required the least amount of range. BURN!), but this scene was the one that pushed me over the edge from merely just a sexualized spouse to a (gulp) father. Yes, this was my first, DiLF scene? DiLF? Would I be considered a DiLF? My gut says a resounding yes. Regardless, I was 35, and I'm pretty sure my "daughter" (played by Staci Silverstone) couldn't have been more than, oh just randomly throwing porn darts, 18 seeing as how I was (SPOILER ALERT) buying her a car for university. So, let's do the math. If I was 35 and she was 18, that means I had her when I was 17. Man, way too young to be throwing my life away. Such a sad story. But at the same time, you go, porno scene character me, you stud!

    Anyways, the premise of this riveting scene is as followed: I was out and about with my little girl, taking her car shopping in the hopes of finding a perfectly sensible automobile to drive around campus. We stumble upon an older Mercedes (which, btw, was a fucking awesome car. Just ask our cameraman), yet, she didn't think she was going to be able to meet guys with it, like the car mattered, and ended up veering towards the black Mustang convertible we'd rented for the scene. She sauntered over to check it out, bending over, allowing Keiran Lee to overact as he usually does (hey, it's porn!), complete with jaw on the floor and blown-out cheeks. Classic Keiran. He tells us the car's not for sale, but my daughter, being the cutthroat businesswoman that she apparently was, claimed that everything was for sale for the right price, before turning her attention to me, pouting. Naturally, my paternal instincts kick into high gear, and I cave almost immediately, exclaiming that "nothing's too good for my little girl." (I feel creepy just writing that). She comes over and hugs me and for 3 excruciating more seconds I have to pretend to be her dad. Fun stuff.

    Now at this point, I think it's important to add that at the time I thought her acting was pretty decent. I guess I was easily swayed. Maybe I have daddy issues?

    Back to the scene. Now, here's where MY business savvy comes into play. It's not like it even mattered since my bargaining leverage had already been tossed to the curb when my own daughter basically bent me over a railing. I turn to Keiran and insist we're going to get a deal done before pulling out a GIANT wad of cash wrapped in a money belt with a giant dollar sign on it. Smooth negotiating tactic, Beard. I'm already dressed like I'm en route to my parole hearing so may as well flaunt my wealth, right? Oh, it gets better. Keiran tells us the car is far too powerful, so what do I do? I proceed to offer 500 BUCKS just to go for a test drive. Yeah, that's right, I literally could have rented the same car for a week for that much money. My character must have bad credit or something; unsurprising considering how nonchalantly I enjoy throwing money around like I'm terminally ill. And it STILL gets better. I DON'T EVEN GET TO GO ON THE TEST DRIVE! It's just Keiran and my "little girl" (shudder), and well, when that happens it's game over. I literally pimped out Keiran Lee to my daughter. I'm a bad, bad father. 

    They come back, and me being the completely oblivious dumb-ass that I apparently am, asks how it went. Keiran, the king of subtlety, looks at her then back at me, practically WINKING before saying, "she rides real good".  Again, completely clueless. And of course, it wouldn't be a complete cringefest if I didn't end it with "that's my girl!" I was straight up cuckolded. I was dadolded. Hey, I made up a word!

    Now, I know you're all wondering, "hey Beard. Did you buy the car?". Well, my Magic 8 Ball says no doubt. I probably gave the car a solid once-over under the hood and said a bunch of technical auto jargon to give the impression that I knew what I was talking about. I bet Keiran asked for 30K and I came back with 35 because the only thing I'm worse at than being a dad is making smart financial decisions. I'm the Rainman of Brazzers. I spent 35K on a car worth half that just so my daughter had a sexy enough car to be bang-worthy at school. Someone call child services. 

    How did I do? Well, that's up for debate. If I was going for awkward and uncomfortable, then I deserve a fucking Oscar. In all seriousness, It wasn't easy playing a dad when I had no frame of reference. I tried to be serious and stern when needed, but also, a big, giant lush when it came to appeasing my apparently very spoiled daughter who's allowed to wear skimpy clothing and bang random dudes while I wait around, wondering if my ex-wife's new boyfriend is cooler than me. While it's never easy to go back and re-watch some of my older appearances, this one was particularly tough. I dressed and acted like an underage kid trying to convince the liquor store cashier that I was legal. I don't remember if the over-the-top references to my daughter were in the script or if it was added while shooting, either way, it definitely made me look like I was going through my American Beauty phase. Once my girl left to Uni, I assume I hung out in the garage, smoked a joint and lifted some weights. Probably did a little crying too. Because that's what dads do, right?

    Surprisingly I haven't played a lot of other dad roles after that. There was one, though, that Woodrocket did fairly recently that perhaps surpassed the creepy dad factor from this scene. Maybe I'll do that one next just to get it out of the way. Anyways, if you want to see this, sorry but it's Brazzers so you gotta pay. I'm sure you can find it for free somewhere else, but I'm not naming names.