An Honest Review Of: What Could Have Been [In Me] - (Brazzers)

Welcome back! If you're still reading this blog, I commend you for taking such an interest in my unique brand of self-deprecation, and also thank you for having such low standards in entertainment. You're right in my wheelhouse of humor and that is probably why we're friends (unless you're just a super creepy pervert trying to get some insight in which case, that's definitely why we're friends). Alright, enough with the pleasantries, ON WITH THE SHOW!

Now that we've gotten all the "daddy" role unpleasantness out of the way, it's time to take a good hard look at another of my cringiest roles, this time as a husband. A dumb, oblivious husband whose wife is so filled with regret and shame that she ends up fantasizing about banging her old high school boyfriend right in our attic. While I'm downstairs eating a sandwich! I chose this particular scene to scrutinize simply because it's the personal favorite of one of the crew members - Chad. He quotes it practically every time he can and not in a flattering manner (I don't think?). This was one of my earlier scenes, released way back in 2012 (ugh, so weird to call 2012 "way back"), so I certainly wasn't the fine-tuned thespian that stands before you today. Chad may disagree with that assessment, but my agent certainly doesn't (Agent = cat). Anyhoo, let's delve into...

What Could Have Been [In Me] (Brazzers) - April 16, 2012

Nowadays, nothing is more popular in the world of porn than incest, schoolgirls, and unfulfilling husbands being cheated on while they act like complete dolts. The previous blog entry unintentionally touched (heh heh) on the first two, and this scene definitely nails the third.

The scene opens with my wife (played by the super cool Helly Mae Hellfire of the infamous Hellfire clan) up in the attic, snooping around, probably trying to find a suitcase so she can pack all her shit and leave me while I'm off at work as an Insurance Salesman (Like I always say, you GOTTA have a good backstory). At some point, she stumbles upon her old high school yearbook so, like we all tend to do, she flips through it and reminisces. Judging by the Seniors page, only three people graduated: Her, me (under the nom de plume Gilbert Beard because no one with the name Gilbert is cool) and her old boyfriend - James Deen (played by... James Deen). Maybe there were others, and this is only the page for people who had sex with my lady? Not important. Side note: I'm wearing the exact same outfit in the scene that I was apparently wearing for class photos! What are the chances??

Anyhoo, she gazes lovingly at James' photo, making it pretty abundantly clear that she fucked up and married the wrong guy because my name is Gilbert and he's JAMES FUCKING DEEN. If you're slow and didn't get that from her facial expression along with the sad music playing in the background, you no doubt got it from my grand entrance mere seconds later. I woodenly walk in like Frankenstein's monster playfully asking what she had before snatching the yearbook out of her hands and reciting Chad's favorite line, "Ahhh the ol' Yearbook". I then begin flipping through the pages looking for photos of "my lovely wife" even though she was already on the correct page, as she looks upon me the way most women in real life tend to - with complete annoyance, disdain and a liiiiiiittle dash of fear. And, like everything else in our marriage, I completely ignore the signs as I continue sifting through the "memories" until stumbling upon a photo of her with James' arm around her, asking, like a 12 year old, "is that your booooyfriend?" Weird I didn't recognize him considering, as I mentioned, it appears as if only three people graduated. My guess? I probably didn't recognize him because of all the repressed memories of him and the other jocks kicking the ever-loving shit out of me on a daily basis. I probably deserved it.

After basically mocking her for marrying a loser like me, I admit I was merely teasing and then, without missing a beat, acknowledge that perhaps seeing a marriage counselor WOULD in fact be a good idea. Guess I'm not as oblivious as I thought! See, I AM aware that my wife hates me and the fact that we're married! I guess I do listen after all.

I yammer on about god-knows-what as she completely ignores me, nodding her head up and down while continuing to gawk at the dreamboat meathead in the photo. You can tell what I'm saying is meaningless and boring as fuck because you don't hear it. Instead it's the same dreary music as before, when we first learned how much she regretted being my wife. I'm probably mostly just talking about me and my shitty job and about that one time I was almost insurance salesman of the month a few years back and about how one day I'll get my mojo back and be the man she used to love even though she never truly did in the first place (wow, that got dark in a hurry!). Judging by my facial expression after that long speech, it's clear I've already accepted that I've lost her, but I said my piece. I leave, admitting I was "famished" (not hungry, famished. Who the hell uses that word?), and the last you hear  is me telling her to have fun strolling down memory lane (some major foreshadowing there).

Once I'm out of the picture, she conveniently finds her old cheerleading outfit from back in the day, tries it on, starts to get all frisky and BOOM James shows up, compete with Letterman jacket and everything. Weird, he doesn't look like a meathead jock, but I guess compared to my nerd self, everyone was. 

Aaaaaand... they bang.

Now, the one question that absolutely needs to be asked is how in the hell did James get in the house and up into the attic? Did I set this up? Did I just let him in, completely unaware of who he is? Didn't I just see a picture of him? Did I let him in knowing exactly who he was and this was my idea of a "marriage counselor"? Am I into that kind of thing? That seems to be a theme with my characters. I unintentionally pimped my daughter out to Keiran Lee, I unintentionally let pop-sensation Smashley O into my house to bang my daughter, I unintentionally rolled out the red carpet for James Deen to have sex with my unhappy wife. No one can say I skimp out on giving. 

The answer to the original question however is revealed in the very last twenty or so seconds of the scene. Once the deed is done, the scene dissolves from fantasy to reality and the last thing we see is my wife making out with a vacuum cleaner with a helmet on it while I stand there, dumbfounded, eating a sandwich (famine stops for no drama). My shocked look and subsequent sandwich drop is the stuff of comedy legends. Slapstick humor rivaling Leslie Neilson in Naked Gun and Roberto Benigni in Life Is Beautiful. Haha. There WAS no James Deen. Just a vacuum cleaner. Yes, that's right, I can't satisfy my wife as much as a Hoover can. I think we're gonna need way more than just a marriage counselor to fix our trainwreck of a marriage.

How Did I Do? Best role ever. Hands down. I made it so easy for the viewer to WANT to see me get cheated on, even if it's still only with a household appliance. I'm cringy, awkward, a lovable loser that's really not so lovable. I can tell my character only likes under-the-sheets- missionary and doesn't want to cuddle or even offer a towel when done. The wet spot is gross and we only get it on when I want it (mostly because she never does because she HATES me). Sure, I'm willing to take the proper steps in order to save our marriage, which means at SOME point Helly was actually interested in staying with me. Why? I can't tell you, although, admittedly, I'm a pretty sharp dresser. That sweet suit I wear around the house means I'm always aware of my appearance. And who knows? Maybe I'm a great Insurance salesman and she's just trying to stick around until I die? The old Anna Nicole Smith rationale. Regardless, as Chad would say, this is the best role I've ever done, and to be honest if it's not the best it's definitely up there. Hell, it even makes me want to see me get cuckolded. That takes... well it doesn't really take a lot, to be honest. Hoo boy. Maybe instead of a marriage counselor, I should go see a therapist! Clearly, my character(s) and I have some issues that need to be worked out. 

The scene is on Brazzers which means ya gotta pay, but like I said previously if you wanna see it there are other ways (that's how I found it. Don't tell anyone). Trust me though, it's worth it. Anyhoo, I'm famished so I'm going to go get something to eat.