An Honest Review Of: Cockraiser (WoodRocket)
Ah, October. Summer is now officially in the rear view mirror, and Fall has already begun smacking us in the face with a handful of dead leaves and gloom. Target already has their Christmas decorations on display because it's never too early to put up your obnoxious decorations despite how much your neighbors and HoA object. Fun times indeed!
But before we even think about hanging ourselves with strings of lights, there's still one other magical moment between now and Jesus' birthday to get excited about. No, I'm not talking about Deviled Eggs Day, which, oddly is on November 2nd (is it a stat holiday?). No, I'm obviously referring to Halloween - the Superbowl for Slutty Cosplayers and Sugar Addicts all around the globe. I have no idea what I'm going to be dressing up as, but I assure you all that whatever it is will consist of whatever I can mix and match from the WoodRocket costume room. Usually, it boils down to whatever has the least amount of semen stains, but I'm thinking of abandoning that standard this year since pretty much everything is covered in semen. At least it'll broaden the options and, besides, a little cum is healthy for the skin... or so I've been told.
With that personal (and awkward) tidbit out of the way, October is also the month for scary movies, whether it's your standard, generic blood-and-guts shlock horror film, or those lame, unfunny "psychological thrillers" like The Shining, which isn't really that scary (yeah I said it. Don't judge me. I'm not alone in thinking that). A few years back the WoodRocket team used to be intent on being timely with when and what we released, and we figured that since Oct 31st was fast approaching like Jason Vorhees, we absolutely needed to release a porn parody of something in the horror-genre. And, coincidentally, there'd been one horror film that we'd unanimously always wanted to do - Hellraiser. It was perfect. The pinhead character was custom-made for our version, all we had to do was merely replace the pins on his face with penises (duh). We already knew Tommy Pistol was gonna be our Penishead and everything else was easy to sort of piece around him. So we rounded up the usual suspects of players, April O'Neil as my daughter, Daisy Ducati as my out-of-my-league wife and the aforementioned Tommy. Even though it didn't get the sort of accolades we all thought it deserved, we all appreciated the fact that we have jobs that let us do something as ridiculous as this. With that said, on with the show.
Hellraiser Porn Parody - Cockraiser (WoodRocket) - October 24, 2017
The scene start with myself, playing someone named Larry because all people named Larry are harmless, oblivious dorks, and my (shockingly) disinterested wife, Julia (Played by Ducati) walking into our new house. I'm carrying in a box, acting like my usual lame self while talking about how much we needed a new start (complete with new romance, I said with an awkward thrust... I shit you not). A new start that doesn't involve my wife having sex with my brother, which apparently she did on our wedding night. I swear, I either get off on being cuckolded or I'm just completely brain dead in every scene that I've ever done. Is it just me? Is it because I'm so good at playing a moron? Is that how everyone sees me? This is very eye-opening. Anyways, naturally she rolls her eyes because who the hell wouldn't? Good news though is that my brother's apparently dead, coincidentally died in the attic of our new house, so I guess it's not really that much of a fresh start.
And on cue, the moment she's reminded of his death a mere 50 feet away, she realizes she needs to go upstairs to... check on something, which obviously means she's on the prowl for some sweet ghost dick. Not putting 2 and 2 together, and with plans of my own, I disregard what she says, instead go searching for any doors I can glory hole because I'm not only dumb and awkward, but I'm also a sexual deviant. She doesn't care, because she's only with me for the insurance money (that's my guess). I don't blame her. I'm filthy rich in this. It's not mentioned anywhere, but trust me, I know. The Banana Republic shirt says it all.
We continue with her upstairs in the attic, reminiscing, and it's only now that I realize that the scene is eerily similar to that one we did for Brazzers where my wife bangs a vacuum cleaner in a cheerleader's outfit. I'm easily replaceable with the supernatural and cleaning products. She's really starting to enjoy herself, when suddenly the creepy, creeky door slowly starts to open. Who could it be? Is it my brother? Is it Jeffrey Cockraiser (It's actually Penishead, but I prefer Jeffey)? No, sadly it's just me, barging in with this ridiculous rant about how I found the perfect glory hole, and how I tried it out in oddly specific detail before I blow my wad in my pants. I unapolitgeticaly drop my load on the floor (seriously) and, fortunately, the doorbell rings, halting this very uncomfortable moment (for me, her, everyone watching...).
Waltzing downstairs like I did nothing weird, I open the door to find my daughter, played by April, because I guess I'm supposed to be mid-fifties in this. We hug, where I unknowingly wipe the rest of my splooge on her back. It's not mentioned in the parody but it very clearly happened. It's gross. I'm gross. Now, I suppose it's important to mention that Julia is not her real mother and the two hate each other. OOOOOOOO. They trash each other for a couple of minutes while I gaze around the house like a dolt who's just remembering a dirty joke someone told him twenty years ago. Seriously, I look like that meme of Hillary Clinton on stage, fascinated by dropping balloons, except I'm posing like a super hero for some reason.
Even for porn AND for horror, I'm over the top. I do appreciate the line Julia has about how she's not going anywhere and that she's NWO-4-Life, complete with the hand motions that accompany the line. Rest In Peace, Hulk Hogan. After that brief, heated exchange, I proudly boast about how I just stuck my dick in a doorknob hole because what daughter WOULDN'T want to hear that?
Annoyed that her step daughter is mean and her husband is an idiot, Julia storms back to the attic only to find a talking dildo on the floor. I guess it's supposed to be the spirit of my dead brother (rigor mortis, amirite??). They have fun, which I guess isn't cheating since ghosts don't really exist and also I just proudly bragged about making sweet sweet love to a piece of wood right to her face. While that's going on, a mysterious hand appears stealthily, grabbing this random cube that just happens to be lying around (fans of Hellraiser, I imagine, can see where this is going). It's my daughter's, and she brings it downstairs. She spends a little time putzing around with it before, POOF!, there's Jeff C, live and in the flesh. Tommy looks hilariously ridiculous with a bunch of small plastic dicks attached to his face and an outfit worthy of the most outlandish fetish balls in all the lands.
And... of course. They bang.
Now, I'd be remiss If I didn't talk about Tommy's performance here. Tommy is the master of staying in character during the sex and things were no different here. He's awesome. I'd have sex with him if he'd let me and I'm totally straight! Anyways, the scene ends with him trying to sneak out like a thief in the night because it's just a one night stand and my daughter is looking for longterm. Last shot is him shrugging for the cameras and a laugh track playing because we're awesome.
How Did I Do? This one is tricky to judge. If you've appreciated all my other performances up to now then you'll love it. If you like horror films and hammy acting in porn then you'll love it. If you have no idea what you're walking into (which would be weird considering) then you may think it's way too hokey and that I'm a horrible actor (to which I politely say go fuck yourself). It's not my fault I'm constricted by the stereotypes of both porn and horror. I actually think it's one of the more authentic roles I've ever done! The long, rambling speech I gave to my wife about banging a doorknob hole was half scripted/half improv, and it was absolutely essential for it to sound as wildly incoherent as it did and was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Combine that with the fake orgasm and the fact that we filmed it multiple times... well it's exhausting to just think about. It's a shame there's not an outtake reel of just those somewhere out there, but it's probably for the best.
Aside from that, my constant dumbfounded aura was something I've been training for all my life, and the way I'm able to be that blind towards my dissatisfied S.O. is something I've perfected over the years. I know I've said this before, but even I wouldn't date me. I'm every Revenge Of The Nerds character wrapped into one, except without what little sex appeal they managed to scrounge up.
So if you want to see Tommy Pistol with some dicks glued to his face, and me enthusiastically brag about having sex with doors, then this is for you. As usual, it's on Woodrocket.com and it's perfect for your Halloween-themed movie nights (just no kids, please. I don't want that sort of guilt hanging over my head as you explain what the hell I'm talking about).
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