An Honest Review of: May The Ass Be With You ( Brazzers)

Greetings and Salutations!

    So, for my own sanity, I decided to take a step back from reminding myself of the cringiness of all my past roles as a dolt father or dolt husband or just a dolt, and take a deeper look into a role I consider to be my cringiest role yet, which is saying something if you ask me. Now it's not because I'm playing an awkward character or anything (I mean they're ALL awkward, but there's a hierarchy in play), but because I consider this to be one of, if not my worst performance of all time (which is still vastly superior to your average actor's best). 

But, there's more to it than that, which I'll get into shortly. 

    When Brazzers approached us to do a Star Wars-themed scene (I think, I honestly don't remember where this idea came from. It might have been from our end), it was right after Disney had bought all the Star Wars rights from George Lucas. So, someone, whoever it was, decided that a George Lucas (sorta) parody was needed. It wasn't just a Star Wars parody, it was a Star Wars AUDITION parody. Wait, no. It was a Star Wars Parody AUDITION parody. Yeah, that's the one. The premise was Georgie Boy was holding private auditions in his house (of course) for said parody, which was going to be called Space Whores (Don't quit your day job, Lucas).

And guess who got to play the illustrious George? 

That's right. Me.

    Now I know what you're all thinking, "Beard, you don't look anything LIKE George Lucas!" to which I'll reply, "yeah. No shit. It's porn!" But, you know, already being on set and not costing anything (not to mention being one hell of an actor), there was no other logical choice. I'd find a way to make it work and, besides, my rule of thumb is if someone wants to complain about my performance, then they probably weren't happy with the other performances. So it's EVERYONE'S fault, cast AND crew. But that's a bridge we'd have to cross down the road, not right now. Anyways, the biggest issue was the fact that I have a red beard and dirty blond hair (it's not red assholes), which George never had at any stage of his life. It was either raven-black from peak Lucas or old-man grey for his "phone it in" years. So our hair and make-up guy, who I'll name dumbass for obvious reasons, schemed up this concoction of temporary hair dye with hair gel and lathered up my hair, beard, and eyebrows for that vintage Lucas look, which made no sense since my character was referencing current events. Hindsight's 20/20 I guess. Regardless, the goo worked great! Too great, in fact as the shit never washed out. Like ever. I eventually had to shave both my head and my beard almost to the nub (thankfully the eyebrows washed out, saving me from looking like a full-on cancer patient). Now, anyone that knows me is already fully-aware just how much I hate being that... naked, but it's not like I had much of a choice. So, you know, thanks, Dumbass. I'll be perfectly honest, it's not as if it made me look anything closer to the man. I just looked like I was going through a mid-life emo phase.

    Nevertheless, it happened and I was forced to deal with the repercussions. Besides, it wasn't the first time I'd had my hair and/or beard dyed, and, if you've been reading along, it certainly wasn't the last. So, from a galaxy far, far away...

May The Ass Be With You (Brazzers) - April 27, 2013

    Based on the date this scene came out, it was pretty clear the point was to have it coincide with May the 4th although why they didn't just release it on that day (or a day before since it was a Saturday) is beyond me. Maybe my performance was so good they just couldn't hold off any longer ( I am my worst critic). Who knows? The scene fades into a shot of Leya Falcon lounging on a bed, wearing a similar-looking oufit as Princess Leia's metal bikini (sorta). The camera pans back until I'm in the shot, just standing there. Smug, with my goth black hair and beard, wearing a flannel shirt and jeans because I guess that's Lucas' goto outfit when he's auditioning? I'm acting all cocky and shit because I'm fucking George Lucas and everyone knows me and my jet black hair. Leya's super excited because she's a huge fan (who isn't?), but also shocked that I just happened to be there. In my own home. My... "billion-dollar home". It's so big I need a dozen maids, I'm sorry, SPACE maids to keep it clean. I honestly don't know why she's so surprised. Like I said, it's my home, so if anyone should be surprised it's me, finding random ladies in random bedrooms. Who let her in? Was it one of the space maids? Was it E.T.? Oh wait, that's Spielberg.

    I ramble on about how successful I am. really dwelling on the money aspect, because I guess hot women are really into money? How fucking misogynistic. Shame on you, G. I go on to explain how I sold all the Star Wars rights to Disney even though I won't mention them by name because, apparently, I'm bitter about them giving me billions of dollars. Considering how much I harp on about how rich I am, you'd think I would be pretty goddamn thankful, but no, my ego is just too big. Death Star big. Probably why I was so insistent on keeping merchandising rights for Spaceballs. God, I love that movie. Anyways, I guess now that the SW universe is out of my midnight black mane of hair, I finally had time to do the thing I'd always to do - make a parody of my beloved franchise. Screw you Disney. Go ahead and sue. You can't crush a man with a dream. A space dream.

    Back to the scene, Leya's still laying there, shocked and blown away by how amazing my parody idea was because I'm George Lucas and I can do no wrong in the eyes of Star Wars nerds (Jar Jar notwithstanding). Now, in my head, I'm starting to get curious as to why she thought she was invited over. Oh god, did she think she was gonna get a chance to sit on the Lucas' Lightsaber??? Fortunately, she wasn't all that disappointed when I told her the reason and how I knew she was a big fan (which I say lasciviously while gawking at her giant space honkers). How did I know she was a big fan? Oh, I dunno. Maybe because her name is LEYA FUCKING FALCON? I explain how I wanted to give her an opportunity to audition and, as expected, she's super excited. For real, I think we told her to just act enthusiastically to everything I say while bouncing up and down on the bed. I love Leya. She's the best. I guess she was down for the audition.

    The shot fades out and when it comes back, I'm standing there with a slate that says Star Whores because I guess I slate my own movies? Success didn't change me. I put on my space pants just like everyone else - with the help of droids and an anonymous Mexican woman. Filming starts and the late great Jordan Ashe is standing there, wearing a pretty damn good Han Solo outfit, complete with vest and pistol. We honestly nailed his outfit... which he promptly took off like a minute later. Good way to spend a hundred bucks. Wasn't much of an audition, was it. She's still laying on the bed, at junk-height and they just stay there, quietly while looking around for a minute. I don't know if that was an editing thing or purposely done. Eventually, he starts talking, they insult each other for a minute because their sexual chemistry is contingent on hate, and then before long she's giving him the 'ol Jabba The Suck.

Aaaaand.... they bang.

    If you knew Leya or Jordan, you'd already know the scene was hard, rough and sloppy. I guess George likes the rough stuff because all I was doing was filming my own private snuff film. If it was up to me I would have gone with Willow instead (yeah yeah, I know, he only wrote it). I am curious if my character was assumed to be in the room, getting myself off, or somewhere else. God, maybe I was cuckolded again. 

    Like in The Empire Strikes Back, the scene has a very open-ended conclusion. We honestly don't know the aftermath. Like did they get their respective parts (pun intended)? Did they even care? Did Leya meet Darth and find out he was only her stepfather? So many unanswered questions. DAMN YOU, LUCAS!!!!!

How Did I Do? I'll be perfectly honest, I didn't love this one for a variety of reasons. The first, obviously being the whole ruined hair and beard thing, which, as I mentioned earlier, didn't really do much to close the gap between the two of us. I just looked... weird. Maybe I look weirder to myself than others because it's just a different look, but it was tough to watch just for that. Secondly, I didn't really "become" George. I know, it's pretentious, but I was just me being arrogant and rich. I didn't really emulate anything about him, so I find my performance lazy and hammy. Still, like I said earlier, it was probably a far better performance than I give myself credit for. Besides, the willingness to ruin my beautiful head of hair was a commitment and dedication the likes no one has ever seen before, even if I had no idea how bad the consequences were going to end up being. One last note, it was my first time working with Leya. She's flat-out awesome and one of my favorite people in the industry. 

Wanna find the scene? You're on your own. I found it randomly somewhere, but I hate encouraging that Tube shit. 

Peace, and may the porn be with you.